The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he

kept in the hen house out behind the parish manse. He had a cock rooster

and about ten hens.



One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing, and because the

priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to

question his parishioners about it at church the next morning.



At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"



All the men stood up.



"No, No, " he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"



All the women stood up.



"No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a

cock that doesn't belong to them?"



Half the women stood up.



"No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"



All the nuns, eight altar boys, three priests and a goat stood up.

THE DONKEY





One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.

The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out

what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered

up anyway;

it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.







He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him.

They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At

first,

the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.

Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.



A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.

He was astonished at what he saw.

With each shovel of dirt that hit his back,

the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a

step up.





As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the

animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,

everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of

the well and happily trotted off!



Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.

The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and

take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.

We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,

never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.











Remember the five simple rules to be happy:



1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.



2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.



3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.



4. Give more.



5. Expect less



NOW --------



Enough of that crap . . .



The donkey later came back, and bit the out of the farmer who had

tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer

eventually died in agony from septic shock.



MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:



When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass,

it always comes back to bite you.

Subject: kids





Why we love children.



A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.

She asked him if it was dead or alive.

"Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I ed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child

innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' in its

ear, and it did'nt move."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later:

"Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......

"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and

out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's

sake Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking

her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with

tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she

said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big

sissy!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



It was that time during the Sunday morning service for the children's

sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat

down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.

it your Easter dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,

"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old

came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her

tummy"

"I know," she replied," but what's growing in your butt?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus

five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch

is nine".

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them

was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



One day the first-grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little

to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little

tried to warn the farmer.

She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,

"The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think that

farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit, a

talking chicken!'"



The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

We're looking for a new typist at work.



Fancy applying

Which would you rather have :

Alzheimers disease or Parkinsons disease ?

Is it better to spill half of your pint of lager shaking, but still manage to drink the other half ?

OR,

Not get to drink any of your pint of lager, because you can't remember where you last put it down ?

I’ve been banned from B&Q



There I was, looking around, when this guy in orange overalls came up to me and asked if I wanted decking, luckily I got the first punch in, a nice bang on the nose, dragged him down the decorating section and gave him a good pasting. Nailed him good and proper.

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his

mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.



"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"



Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to

wash your hands and feet."



He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"



Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in



one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look,

and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"



Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,

.

.

.

.

.



"That was very nice but, are... my... test...results...back?"

A bloke is sitting down having a quiet beer in a pub and hears a guy at the bar shout to the barman, "Hey, donkey, give us a pint".

"Hmmmm strange name" thought the bloke.

Then another guy shouts the same.

"Oi barman" asks the bloke. "Why did he just call you donkey?"

"He haw he haw he always calls me that" replied the barman.

What has 90 Balls and screws old ladies???





Bingo

What's blue & f*cks grannies at christmas













Hyperthermia

Harsh, But good

What goes in, out, in, out and smells of p1ss?















The hokey cokey in an old folk's home.........